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How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?
Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the
dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take
advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls
and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle
...
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
16. Tea-cup Yorkie: No! No! No! No! Treat!
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
Hangover Ratings:
One star hangover *
No pain.
No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy.
Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and
still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
Two star hangover **
Slight
headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental
capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving
a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the
office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing
junk e-mails.
Three star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a
space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots
you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were
in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee,
a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
Four star hangover
****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you
look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the
following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone
out the night before.
Five star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat
in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus
as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out
of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at
least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva
and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not
an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.
Ethnic Guide to Women
1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
2. IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
3. ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
4. JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
5. POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.
6. CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.
7. INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
8. BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
9. LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans
in the Bronx.
To Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity:
*Page yourself
over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
*Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.
*Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
*Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
*In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL
FAVORS."
*Finish all your sentences with "... in accordance with the prophecy."
*As often as possible, skip
rather than walk.
*Specify
that your drive-thru order is "to go."
*Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all
day.
*When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
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