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I wish I was with you now.
Your skin, your hands, arms, your touch.
My face against your cheek as you smile, ear to ear.
The weight of your body on top of mine.
My eyes are closed, tight.


My fingers on your neck, your earlobe in my mouth.


"That's beautiful," you say.


I try to get up. "No," you say. "Stay right here."


Your skin, your hands, arms, your touch.
You touch me. You squeeze me. You tickle me.


"That's beautiful," you say.


Fantasy Number two hundred forty-seven

I am alone with you in the dark corner of a crowded room.

Everywhere else, young, sweaty bodies migrate between the various ports of booze.
The bodies are so loud you’d think they were on fire, but in this corner, we are the only souls.

It's hot, the smoke is thick, but that’s not why I can hardly breathe.
I am so excited, my earlobes are tingling.
I am in such a state of delirium, I almost imagine that you want me.
Did I ever notice before that your eyelashes are so seductively long?
Oh! There! It happened again... my heart, it did something funny.

I want to ask you to dance with me, just so I can feel your body touching mine.
But then, I am pinned to the wall. I don’t have to ask...
I am held up to the wall by your body.

Everywhere your skin touches my skin, I am on fire.
Goose-Flesh where your breath has touched me.

Your arms envelop me and I truly believe that I will succumb to rapture.
Your head is resting on my shoulder, your breath is hot on my neck.
Tingles shooting down my spine.
You begin to speak and I can no longer breathe.
"You are so beautiful."

I try my best to swallow and I fail miserably.

"When I put my arms around you, my hands always seem to find the perfect resting places.
You feel so good."

I subsequently melt into an oozy puddle on the sticky floor.

Why are you being so nice to me?

Ah.... that's right. I nearly forgot.

This is MY fantasy...... after all.

unrequited inamorata:

There was once a man I loved very much.
I could see nothing but beauty when I looked at him.
Beauty in his art, beauty in his words, beauty in his heart, beauty in the things he taught me.
When he touched me I felt like warm sunshine and when we kissed, I could fly.
There was endless green grass beneath my feet and limitless blue waters to swim through.
My skin hummed when he was near.
He was the most beautiful thing I ever did see.
He loved that I loved him so much, but he did not love me.
When finally he told me he was in love -with another- I told him I loved him too much to not be his friend.
He asked me, Why have you always wanted me so much?
I replied, When I find something beautiful, I hold on to it until I almost die.
I always did tell him that he was beautiful.
He never believed me.
Not until that moment.
He was moved to tears that I thought that he was so beautiful.

Now I find that when I am attracted to a potential suitor... he is always the same beautiful as this old lover:
He has much art to be released from his heart and shared with the world;
He is an old soul, who has much to teach the world;
He is gentle with the Earth and appreciates her gifts, big and small, new and old;
His friends are his world, he'd give his life for them;
His humor is sharp, his smile is wide;
And when he looks at me, I know, I am NOT fooling him. He sees past the smoke and mirrors I've placed with such care. He sees me. He really sees me.
It is without effort that he understands exactly what I am thinking and why I am thinking it and I can not hide. I can not lie.
I am standing naked in front of him and there is nothing I can do to conceal myself, not that I want to. I am not scared.
My skin is humming.
I see endless green grass and limitless blue waters.
I feel like warm sunshine and I can fly.


I have never, in my life felt so empty and unsure of my purpose on this planet. I have no memory of ever feeling this alone. I have lost the ability to figure anything out, at all. I hardly experience any emotions at all these days. Depression. This one, I know. I know despair as I cry myself to sleep at night. Tears I can feel. I feel tears slipping like heavy weights through my eyelids. As I beg the Sandman to take me away from all of my misery and deposit me into a world where puppy dogs have wings and gumdrops fall from the sky, I can feel rivers of steamy hot tears flow down my face and collect beneath my chin. But even my tears have no sympathy for me. The tears leave angry red lines along my cheeks. My eyelids are so swollen I can barely see through the tiny slits. If I were to die at this very moment... I would not feel a thing.


Your scent is still in my pillows.

The laughing face, that warmed my heart, is but inches from my face.

I feel that sweet breath on my skin.

I hear the voice that soothed the chaos of my mind.

I can feel the embrace that made me melt,

               the kiss that sped my pulse, the lips that burned my lips like fire.

I can see the stunning eyes that inflamed my nerves.

Worship the beautiful smile that brought me to tears.

I am cold where your touch once burned.

My shivers cry your name.

My dreams won't let me forget you.

I crawl deeper under my covers, still searching for you. Please find me!

I can't swallow without thinking of you! Can't cry! Can't breathe!

I can't open my eyes!

I should throw back the curtains and let the day break in.

But how can I face the world without you?

I can't! Its not possible.

I cower back into my bed. Defeated by your ghost.

I hug my pillows tight.

Your scent is still there.


I love the corner of your smile,
I love the sparkle in your eyes.
I love the lilt in your laugh,
I even love all your little lies.

I don't know if I am strong enough to be without you....
....But I sure as Hell know I am not strong enough to be with you.
My life is prosaic and everything in it is hideous and wrong.


My Soldier: There are volumes I don't know about you,

but when I look at your face, it's like I am looking at my best friend.

I want to touch your face.

I want to run my fingers along your jaw, your mouth.

I want to trace your lips with my fingertips.

I want to tuck my nose behind your ear and breathe deep, drink you in.

Can I pull your arms around my waist? Can I hold you tight to my body?

Can I fall into your eyes and just float there for a while?

I want to take your hand and walk with you in the middle of the night.

Nothing but you and me and the moonlight.

A chill in the air, the smell of fireplaces burning.

Cold noses and pink cheeks, but our hands are warm.

Stop for a second and kiss me. I want those lips on my lips.

Take a handful of my curls and hold them to your face. Breathe deep, drink me in.

Dance with me, right now, in the moonlight. Never forget this moment.

Can I rest my head on your chest while we sway to the music playing in our heads?

I want you to lace your fingers with mine and lead me to the lake.

Show me where the moon has kissed the water in each little wave.

Lean down, let me kiss the top of your head.

What A Dirty Trick:

I hate the sound your voice makes,
The "baby-dolls" grate my nerves.
I hate it more that I don't hate it,
The absence makes me swerve.

I hate that I think of you
during too many parts of the day.
I see things I'd like to share with you,
I'm dying to hear what you'd say.

I hate that when I walk into the store
I search each noise to see if you are there.
I check my make up, stand up straight,
and groom my every hair.

I hate that you've figured me out
in just weeks you know me well.
I hate that in all my years, I don't know me.
It's torture, it's painful, it's a living hell.

I hate the words you say to me,
the truth, it blows my mind.
You never sugar-coat things,
the words are so unkind.

I hate the way you call me out
and the way you make me feel.
I can't just coast through life....
I must acknowledge that it's real.

But mostly, I hate that you've changed my entire life
and the fact that you didn't hang around to see,
That the me you helped create is so much more
than just a better me.

This page was last published on Monday, August 28, 2006.